It’s my fear of making the wrong choice, suffering and unable to turn back. Instead, I would rather that life or someone else make the decision for me, because it is easier and less scary. And afterward, I can hold up clean hands regardless of the outcome and claim duress. you can’t blame me for the choice is all I seem to be able to say in life. My choice in which college to attend, the decision to stop talking to one of the best friends in my life, and now, what direction to take after law school. That is not to say that I don’t make some life decisions with decisiveness, but rarely are these great decisions. Student activities in college, where to go after college, and the decision to go to law school……even then, these decisions, I had to waver back and forth before seeming to decide. But perhaps even these decisions and their fails had a different purpose.

I really have to wonder, when was the last time I really committed to something and say, ok, I’m going to throw myself into it and do it with all my will and heart? Been open to the failures and the success and stood strong to face what was coming, instead of cowering in the corner, hoping the flood waters would force me into one direction or the other. When will I stop being satisfied at being ok at everything and reach to be the best at one thing, even if it’s something lame.

And in the end, it’s probably that I need to accept that I need to make a commitment, and being understanding of the failures and successes that come with it and that if it does fail, it’s not the end of the road and that next time I will succeed.

It’s almost time to pick myself up off the floor. I can’t keep doing this.

There are many “rules” that I live by in my life. Fortunately I follow most of them and break most of them. See, probably one of my best qualities is my contrariness. hhahaha. Anyways, one of them is that I don’t live by looking back over my shoulder and regretting. Many might find this just to be forgetting and moving on with one’s life. And, maybe in the end, that’s really what it is. But in this day and age, it’s hard to forget, or blame it on a crappy memory, which I do, all the time, trust me, because there are just so many things out there that record our memories and don’t fade with time and use, like our brains, hard copies of photos, or tape recordings. Every online conversation we have is documented, every picture or drawing is digitally documented. It’s hard to forget once we have technologically communicated. So even if I empty my brain of everything, and pretend to forget everything, it’s easy to pull up those memories again, through facebook, through online records, pictures . . . luckily or unluckily my thoughts are not the only musty reference file I can go back to now.

I try not to live my life with regrets because I know, if I really wanted it differently, I could change it and make it how I want it. But sometimes, I know, that changing it won’t make a difference, and it would have ended the same, but I sometimes wish it had been different. I had had been different, the people around me had been different and we had arrived at a different conclusion, together. not separately. and maybe, one day, I’ll have amnesia and none of these digital memories will hold meaning to me anymore. hahahha if only.

But until then, Life’s about living. I guess I’ll shelve the musty reference files for another day. night.

Sorry, need to make a list otherwise I just might go down.

In no particular order (disclaimer just in case I get in trouble for the numbering), things I’m thankful for:
1. my family (which does include my brother, but only because he has 2 kitties)
2. my health
3. my roommates who keep me sane and aren’t law students
4. my one friend at law school (jk) and that she makes sure I remain a human
5. the chance to study the law
6. the chance to work in the field of my choice (if only I could figure out what my choice was)
7. my sense of humor and straightforwardness (what? you got a problem?)
8. The food on the table and the warm clothes that I have (too bad it’s useless now that the heat has been turned on in the apartment)
9. That I have book smarts and people smarts. (I might not have a excessive amount of either, but at least I have both)
10. The friends that I get to verbally abuse love
11. That my parents raise me right, and I try to be polite (when I’m not being straightforward) and thankful
12. That I can stand up on my own, follow through.
13. I defiantly need to throw some props out to my laptop which basically keeps me company over 16 hours of the day and 24 hours if you count sleeping. Oh but wait, sometimes it doesn’t go with me to the bathroom. oh what the heck.

I think that’s it for right now. I hope I didn’t forget anything.

I know he’s gone through a lot of hard times, ups and dowsn, trying to find himself and protect himself from others. And just to be able to see those pictures and see how happy he is and how someone in his life has gotten close enough to give him joy, I don’t know, it’s a really great thing to see. Makes me think of all the rainbows and pots of gold in the world really are possible.

Happiness is elusive, but it’s out there.

alright back to work.

Afterwards, I told my mom that I really wanted to have kids cause they were adorable, even the spoiled screaming one. My mom was like, you need to find a vital part of the equation before you can have children. I KNOW, but jeez don’t trample over my dream where I get to tramps the flower fields with my children. At least not so soon, especially since they are just your FUTURE GRANDCHILDREN.

And so, that won’t happen for a few years but, probably until then I’ll be stalking children on the street. I especially have a partial preference for the cute little asian kids (wonder why? haha) The least intrusive thing I could do is take their picture, but even that is too hard and creep. I saw a child on the T today, he’s this cute little asian boy about I want to say 5 or 6 with shorts and a stripped polo shirt and a red sox cap on backwards. I REALLY REALLy wanted to take his picture, he was just so wonderfully adorable. He was quiet and just stood there with this parent’s waiting for the T and fascinated by the car mechanics as they went buy. I just wanted to take him and cuddle.

Really, kids that like to cuddle have a special place in my heart. There are a pair of twins at my parents’ chinese school, I think they should be in 1st or 2nd grade by now and they are adorable and they just love to cuddle if they know you. One time, one of them, he kept pushing and tugging at me and I thought he wanted to get down so I put him down and he looked SOOOOOOOOOOO upset and then tried to cuddle with my leg, which was insufficient and then ran off. it was so adorable…I would have adopted him right then and there.

alright. I’m really going to stop this creepy rant. And instead, go volunteer at the YMCA. HAHAHAHHAA.

Everyday. Everyday I walk to the law school and there aren’t people like me pulling books, helping me research, teaching me how to do things and what is important. Everyday when I sit down for the first time in my life in a circle of 7 to rhyme and talk about poverty and hope and intellectually inspiring things. I can’t think anymore and it’s become easier not to.I know it’s cowardly of me and that really 3 years ago, this is not where I imagined myself to be but, it’s easier. Than worrying about if I’m being judged by the white people helping me research, teaching me, pulling books, holding the door open for me or cutting me off to the door. It’s easier than worrying about being judge by people more progressive than me, in touch with themselves, who’s ideals are coming out in how they live and breath, who want to save the world and even more in the universe. I’m just struggling to save one little person, me. You know, it’s sad and I find it sad, but I’m ok with that, because I’ve never felt like I belonged. anywhere. Sometimes, not even in my family.

maybe it’s really just me that is judging, and maybe it’s just me that’s not making myself belong. But here am standing alone as I count the beats and hope my words match with them. I know I take things too seriously but I don’t think I can go back. I can’t go back to what I was 3 years ago and I can regain the hope, the people, the friends, the comfort that I have lost along the way. And I have to be ok with that. Ok with myself and who I am and ok that I’m not as driven anymore. I saw someone tonight who had a mentor who had changed their lives. I couldn’t even really remember that feeling anymore, of being changed or working someone to change together. When have I lost touch with other people, with myself, and my humanity.

I must say, that it’s been easy, to lose myself and not ask the bigger questions because, I don’t think I’ll like the answers. Any of them. And I guess until I’m ready, there won’t be a scene change, no matter how much I miss it.

I could still sing you the song word for word and hum it for hours. I’m sure 5 million other young adults could do the same. I’m sitting here thinking about where I am in my life (more like laying here since it’s the 5th night of jet lag, but I’m unsure if I really can blame it on jet leg after 3 nights). For all the maturity I do and did have growing up, I’m not sure I want to grow up.

Think about it, next year I’ll be in my mid twenties, if I am not already. I never thought to reach this point and now that I have, I almost rather not. Some people can’t wait to leave their homes, set up their own, be independent, buy there own cars, decorate their own place, find their own family and have their own kids. I’m happy with staying home most of the nights, even weekends (I really only use studying as the excuse so I don’t have to go out and party as much), like to hang out with my parents, go on family trips, rather not buy a car or a house, and rather not have a romantic relationship. Either I sound like a kid or a really old grandma.

I think because I had to be more mature as a child, I’m not as easily excited by things most people are excited about, drinking, drugs, and sex. I’m excited but probably not enough for the average person. however, I feel like it gave me a finer appreciation for the simpler joys of life, being able to in my mid-twenties to appreciate my parents, play duck duck goose with 5 children for the first time in over 15 years, who even if you doubled their ages, they would not reach mine, seem young enough to be mistaken as the younger sister (it’s the height I tell you and the fact that my brother dresses like an old man, even though he’s only in his early-twenties).

It’s hard to tell really if I’m mature or not. I’m coming to realize that it’s the same for everyone else in the world. And I guess one of my immature facets is my inability to make a life altering decision and follow it through. I always get sidetracked, or start comparing, and rarely every feel satisfied with what I choose. My dissatisfaction could be a good thing, it just keeps driving me further to try new things and expand my horizons. However, that’s a very optimistic view, and if I were a pessimist (which I am if I don’t try hard not to be) I would say that I have not staying power (stamina for the big macho men in the back) and thus I lead myself to continue to challenge myself. I think at this point, I’ve almost bite off more than i can chew, and I’m getting all choked up inside. I’ve never hit the wall so hard before and been unable to scale it. I’m going to make it, but damn it’s going to take me awhile.

And thus, I hesitate. Not because I’m unsure of what I need or necessarily want to do, but because, it’s one more step to being an adult and I’m coming to realize, that I really don’t want to be an adult.

Shoutout to all the random ass people checking out my blog! You be very cool. Has anyone figured out the difference between a tag and a category?

So we are going to start this over with what it was intended to be. a collection of my thoughts and hopefully a better way to organize them. Most of my readers (personal friends + random ass people) have stopped visiting, and probably for the better. props to denchan for checking in every couple of weeks up till January. I was thinking about holding out, but my life should be getting interesting from this point on. At least interesting enough to share with the millions of people out there on the internet. or maybe not. We’ll see how this goes

The things I lose and the things I keep can only be told with time.

I’ve been away for too long. What the hell is the difference between a tag and a category? anyone know?

anyways. Welcome back me.