I think this might become my write at early hours of the morning blog. I think since I’m so tired, I’m just so honest enough to put it all down, grammatically incorrect. Tonight was the first time in a long while where I was with people who use to make me comfortable. These type of people are my people, they are asian, dark, know of oppression, know what it means and how it can change lives. But honestly, these people are so real it hurts and one said talking about the privileges of being ourselves and american that there was never time that we didn’t feel we belong. I didn’t want to be argumentative but, that’s crazy if they have never felt that way until they travelled outside of the country. I feel like I don’t belong everyday.
Everyday. Everyday I walk to the law school and there aren’t people like me pulling books, helping me research, teaching me how to do things and what is important. Everyday when I sit down for the first time in my life in a circle of 7 to rhyme and talk about poverty and hope and intellectually inspiring things. I can’t think anymore and it’s become easier not to.I know it’s cowardly of me and that really 3 years ago, this is not where I imagined myself to be but, it’s easier. Than worrying about if I’m being judged by the white people helping me research, teaching me, pulling books, holding the door open for me or cutting me off to the door. It’s easier than worrying about being judge by people more progressive than me, in touch with themselves, who’s ideals are coming out in how they live and breath, who want to save the world and even more in the universe. I’m just struggling to save one little person, me. You know, it’s sad and I find it sad, but I’m ok with that, because I’ve never felt like I belonged. anywhere. Sometimes, not even in my family.
maybe it’s really just me that is judging, and maybe it’s just me that’s not making myself belong. But here am standing alone as I count the beats and hope my words match with them. I know I take things too seriously but I don’t think I can go back. I can’t go back to what I was 3 years ago and I can regain the hope, the people, the friends, the comfort that I have lost along the way. And I have to be ok with that. Ok with myself and who I am and ok that I’m not as driven anymore. I saw someone tonight who had a mentor who had changed their lives. I couldn’t even really remember that feeling anymore, of being changed or working someone to change together. When have I lost touch with other people, with myself, and my humanity.
I must say, that it’s been easy, to lose myself and not ask the bigger questions because, I don’t think I’ll like the answers. Any of them. And I guess until I’m ready, there won’t be a scene change, no matter how much I miss it.
