Things in life that require commitment are a scary thing. It means you have made a decision, for better or worse, and there is very little possibility of going back. You have committed to succeed or to fail. It’s probably the biggest reason I find it scary to make big decisions about my life, I’m more frightened of failing than the possibility of succeeding. I rather leave as many windows open as possible so I can run into as many houses as possible. Maybe it’s smart risk management, but in reality, it’s just cowardice.
It’s my fear of making the wrong choice, suffering and unable to turn back. Instead, I would rather that life or someone else make the decision for me, because it is easier and less scary. And afterward, I can hold up clean hands regardless of the outcome and claim duress. you can’t blame me for the choice is all I seem to be able to say in life. My choice in which college to attend, the decision to stop talking to one of the best friends in my life, and now, what direction to take after law school. That is not to say that I don’t make some life decisions with decisiveness, but rarely are these great decisions. Student activities in college, where to go after college, and the decision to go to law school……even then, these decisions, I had to waver back and forth before seeming to decide. But perhaps even these decisions and their fails had a different purpose.
I really have to wonder, when was the last time I really committed to something and say, ok, I’m going to throw myself into it and do it with all my will and heart? Been open to the failures and the success and stood strong to face what was coming, instead of cowering in the corner, hoping the flood waters would force me into one direction or the other. When will I stop being satisfied at being ok at everything and reach to be the best at one thing, even if it’s something lame.
And in the end, it’s probably that I need to accept that I need to make a commitment, and being understanding of the failures and successes that come with it and that if it does fail, it’s not the end of the road and that next time I will succeed.
It’s almost time to pick myself up off the floor. I can’t keep doing this.
